This post is going to focus on our relationship mainly with the concept of sex, masturbation and partner sex.

Sexual violence at any age will affect the way the victim of the violence relates to sex. This is heightened with trauma at exceptionally young ages as the survivors never developed a relationship to sex in a developmentally appropriate way and timeline.

This can cause different reactions in people but the good thing is regaining or forming a healthy connection to sex is possible.

Culture also plays a role in how one relates to sex. Religion, movies/tv, exposure to porn, sex education, parents, and social circles all change how someone views sex.

We have come up with eight basic steps that can serve as a guideline for healing relationships with sex:

1. Think about how you currently relate to sex
2. Figure out what you want your relationship with sex to be
3. Trauma work
4. Learning new coping skills & Sex Ed
5. Practice and work to set and enforce your boundaries
6. Form a better connection with your own body
7. Reframe concepts of sex
8. (N/A for all) Engaging in Sexual Activity

1)Think about how you currently relate to sex

I’m going to go forward assuming you are struggling with the effects of trauma on your relationships with sex.

For example:

1. Are you are dealing with hypersexuality or sex repulsion?
2.  Do you have an extreme reaction to specific topics of sex?
3. Do you deal with touch aversion?

Learning what parts of your relationship with sex are causing you distress is crucial to being able to heal. It can help you learn what coping skills will be most helpful, and what you might need to talk about to heal. When you have an understanding of what your struggling with it can reduce confusion, shame, and disconnection.

Something else to look into is there are factors other than the abuse itself making you struggle. An example would be if you grew up in a culture that taught you any sex is shameful, unlearning that is crucial.

2) Figure what you want your relationship with sex to be

What would you like to be comfortable with? Some examples might be:

• To not be triggered by mentions of sex and be able to relate to it safely in stories and academic contexts, but not engage in any sexual acts yourself
• To be able to masturbate without causing yourself mental or physical harm
• To be able to have sex in moderation instead of compulsively,
• To be able to sex with a partner or be able to have sex without it causing adverse effects. IE: Flashbacks or feelings of shame.

It’s important to have an idea where you’re trying to get as you start this process, but it’s absolutely healthy and okay to change what you want overtime. Sex is never something you are obligated to do and you never have to do it, having sex is not the goal here it’s just to learn to not experience distress about it. But of course, it’s also completely okay to want to and have sex often.

The point of thinking of a goal is to give yourself something to work towards and help prevent feelings of floundering. It’s not a specific set of things you have to do, a time specific thing it’s allowed to be fluid and take as much time as you need.

3) Trauma work

This one is pretty obvious, doing all the other parts of healing from trauma have to go hand and hand in with specifically looking at recovery with sex. Working to integrate trauma and learn to handle and live with the trauma is complex and as you work through the other parts of your struggles hopefully the work you do to learn to feel better with sex will help the other issues and vice versa.

Trauma work is different from the other steps as whenever you can start to work forward to it then that’s when you start. Before you do any others or whenever you can start it’s important to do it. This work can come in many forms, but however, you can find support and understanding to move forward in integrating trauma then that’s amazing and brave.

4) Coping skills, education, & Sex-Ed

Coping skills should be part of the trauma work in general but learning the skills that help you with this specific issue is super important. If dissociation and flashbacks are part of your struggle then grounding skills might be super helpful. If your dealing with intrusive thoughts about sex, learning to handle those will be super helpful. If you use sex/sexual acts as self-harm working to combat self-harm urges could be great.

Learning about trauma, any mental health issues or physical health conditions that are affecting you can be liberating. Knowing you’re not alone or broken is super important, and demystifying the struggle you’re having will be really helpful moving forward.

Now I mention Sex ed here because people often receive terrible or no sex ed as a young person. Like all people you learned sex ed that was changed by the political forces in your area meaning it might be something like abstinence-only or even leave you not knowing the names of the body parts that you have.

With CSA survivors your sex ed may have almost exclusively been from an abuser or happened after abuse and was filtered through the lens of your abuse. Learning real information about sex and sexual health is important in general for health and can help break through shame around sex. Like learning, there is no biological concept of virginity and how to take care of your health.

5) Practice and work to set and enforce your boundaries

Boundaries are so important in life, learning to set them is hard, and abuse makes it harder.

Say no. That’s one of the first ways to start trusting your boundaries. Practising saying no to things you do not want to (and don’t have to for safety/health) is a liberating experience. If you don’t want to sit with someone don’t, you do want them to touch you? Tell them no, if you don’t want to watch that movie don’t. I promise this is a crazy healing experience, it will feel wrong, and possibly mean, but there is a clear difference between not doing things you don’t want to and just being a jerk. Yes in life you might watch your sister’s favourite film because you don’t want to, but learning to say no is important.

Being able to understand create boundaries person by person will come with time, conversations, and practice.

Talk with those you are in relationships about things that upset you. Talk about what kind of touch and emotional topics you are comfortable with. Having open communication allows everyone involved to know what’s okay and what’s not. Not just sexual, I mean all kinds of relationships. Now abusive/toxic relationships aren’t always improved by this and if you are in a situation where you are stuck with them, then I’m sorry. I hope you can get out soon.

You don’t have to forgive people who continually ignore your boundaries. If someone touches you when you say no, it is okay to walk away. Your comfort and health are important, not everyone is going to be conducive to you living well. The relationships you’re forced to and choose to keep are going to be a negotiation to ensure you are both showing and receiving the respect you deserve if you do not have to deal with people who hurt you, you do not have to. And there are points where leaving someone you love also has to happen, because of your safety and boundaries matter.

6) Form a better connection with your own body

Sexual trauma can ruin the connection people have to their physical bodies.  Very young CSA survivors have their relationship to their body built of trauma, and older survivors had their development of connection to their body stunted and shifted by the trauma. Learning to feel grounded in our bodies, feel we have autonomy and to respect ourselves is key in healing.

Feeling grounded and in charge of our bodies can be helped by practising ownership of it.

So ways to go about it:

Through your style:

• Get a new haircut
• Get a tattoo/piercing (temp is cool)
• Paint your nails
• Change up your clothing style
• Dye your hair
• Make clothes/jewellery (this allows you to show off a skill you have on yourself, an affirming act)

Though Your Actions:

• Exercise in a way you like. This connects you to your body you control and own your actions. This also helps if you experience dissociative
• Take a bath, or a long shower (as long as this isn’t a trigger) Being alone with your physical form helps for a connection with it. Practising good self-care is also nice.
• Care for your body. Make sure you are hydrating, nurturing and resting best you can. Feeling your best and by showing yourself respect and kindness helps you learn to respect and connected with your body naturally.
• Experience as much fun sensory input. Roll down a hill, paint your skin (w/ skin safe paint), jump on a trampoline, hide under soft blankets, light incense, sit by a fire, swim in a cold (but safe) lake, pet a dog etc. This is important for grounding yourself in your body, and it reminds you of all the beautiful things your body helps you feel.
• Learn a new skill. Being able to do something you love with your body gives you something new to love and again it reminds you how amazing you and your body are.
• Practice deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.

Though your thoughts/words:

• Remember you and your body aren’t separate. You are one connected unit that makes you who you are.
• Stop criticizing your body. This post on value judgments can help change your mind from judging your body.
• Remember your cells change over time. This really isn’t the skin that they touched when they hurt you. You have changed and survived. Everything about you has lived and grown.
• Practice telling yourself your body belongs to you, and no one else.

7) Reframe Concepts of Sex

Changing the way you view sex is super important. Learning to disconnect sex abuse is hard and takes time so no need to feel bad if you have a hard time with. Being able to reframe sex into a healthy context also includes relationships.

One important thing is to realise what unhealthy sex for you. Hopefully, you have started to understand what parts of your past sexual history hurt you, and through some adult sex-ed. Talking to those around you about their sex lives can help give some perspective. Sometimes this happens just by being around adults. You can also talk with someone you trust in a direct way “ I’m trying to learn what healthy sex & romance look like”.

Remember that what media/movies show you is bunk. I know we’ve all be told this, “sex in porn isn’t real” and “X relationship in some movie is unrealistic” if all you’ve ever known is abuse and media, then sometimes it’s  hard to picture what it might look like to have sex that isn’t harmful, and being surrounded by the same message effects you unconsciously. It’s important to know that and doesn’t let people put you down for not acting above it all.

Start to think about sex as an expression of your body, mind/soul and connection to your partner(s). It’s an experience that should be happy and passionate, you never have to do it out of guilt or responsibility. If you ever start to feel like it’s your job to do so for anyone else, remember you own your body and mind you don’t owe them to anyone.

If you struggle with hypersexuality, remember that isn’t shameful. I promise you struggling with thoughts of a sexual nature aren’t your fault. And it’s okay if it takes you time to learn to handle it that is just fine. Sex isn’t shameful in general, and dealing with disorders connected to sex isn’t shameful either.

8) (N/A for all) Engaging in Sexual Activity

If you don’t want to now or never want to engage in sex then you don’t need to bother with this section.

Masturbation can be really good. As long it isn’t causing you pain then there is nothing wrong with it. It’s important to check in with yourself when you do though. Think about if when you do are you getting a good feeling or is it making you more upset and correct accordingly. Also, think if you start to do it compulsively, (IE are you doing it because you feel you have to or it is stopping you from engaging in other things you want/need to do.) or as self harm. If you start to do that then you can step back from mastburation. Mastubration can be unhealthy and if you do not have to masturbate to heave a healthy sex life.

Masturbation can also help connect to one’s body. If you want to engage in partner sex then it might help you learn what you are interested in

When having sex if you ever want to stop, start dissociating, panicking, experiencing flashbacks, or any feelings that are hurtful/not fun stop. You have every right to stop, and any partner who doesn’t immediately stop is wrong.

Make sure you are giving and getting healthy consent. Mor about that here.

Sex should feel good, rather you are having a one night stand or are in long-term relationship sex should never feel like a duty or make you feel shitty. So talk about it with your partner (s) make sure you are both feeling good, anything that you don’t like don’t do it.

Don’t be afraid to laugh, look silly, say no, be loud, be a tacky romantic, dress funny, be loud or be silent, just have fun. I promise you being goofy or romantic or whatever you want. Abuse hurts and makes it hard to enjoy things, making sex as fun as possible can help push that out of your head.

Again here:

talk with your partner

 And never be afraid to say stop,& you can always say no!

Conclusion:

You can heal your relationship with sex, no matter what you want your relationship to be. It takes time, it’s hard, and it can suck, but your strong and can do this. Take your time, there is no rush.

-Admin 1 & 2